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The current film is: Placeholder!

Spoiler Free Synopsis

Here I give a very brief description of what the movie is about. I have a tendency to try and be witty.

General Information

This section gives information on the film. When it was released, who starred in it it (at least the first three names) and what not. Sadly, here, too, I try to be witty. It’s… It’s like an addiction…

Now as a rule, what comes below is a poster for the film. As this is the main page, there is no need.

Hello, and Welcome to Welltun Cares Reviews, a blog review site covering Genre films. The good, the bad, and the unmentionable. It is an expression of my love for Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror (so much Horror.) It is my hope to point the reader towards new experiences, or (hopefully rarely) warn the unwary from an experience that’s… less than optimal. Failing that, I seek to entertain with witty observations and the occasional clever remark.

Let’s not dwell on how often I succeed on any of this, shall we?

Welltun Cares Reviews comes in two styles of reviews. One is the bare basic Short Reviews, in which I cover only my thoughts on the films. No long winded rants, no detailed summaries, just the basics. These should all be Spoiler Free.

The other is, surprisingly enough, the Long Reviews. These long winded affairs are divided into three or four sections. We start out, as here, with:

Here introduce the film subject. Sometimes this will be a history of the film, an interesting tidbit about the movie, or just why I selected the subject. Here I give the overall review, a Spoiler Free Synopsis, and General Information, all of which you might have glanced at by this point.

I try not to natter on for more than a page, for these things are already large enough.

But not novel sized. Mother.

Following this deathless prose we have:

Every time there is a reminder like above, just in case you forgot, or you simply didn’t bother wading through this opening page.

This portion of the review goes over the basics of the story. It isn’t a scene for scene synopsis. Rather it’s the important parts of the film that should give you a feel for the story. Also, it’s the parts of the film that catch my interest, for good or bad.

I tend to write this part as I watch, to catch my thoughts (such as they are) at their freshest. Expect page after page of this. Well, at least two pages. We try to keep it under four.

Some times we fail.

After this comes, strangely enough:

In which I put on my critical hat and start analyzing the film as best I can. As I consider myself a Writer, I focus more on the story than anything else. I have acted, once, long, long, long, long, long time ago, so clearly I know what I’m saying. If I say the acting’s bad, believe me, I know it. Bad acting is in my blo–

Maybe that’s saying too much.

Direction stuff I admit I’ll be hit or miss on. I’ve watched enough flicks I should be able to say something on the matter. But I do know my limitations.

Sometimes we wrap this up in two to four pages, giving the score at the end. Though on occasions I will have some:

This shouldn’t be more than a page worth. But if it’s longer… well… maybe you should have made a better movie.

In any case, all films are reviewed on a two prong basis. The first prong is my opinion of the quality of the film, whether it did its job or not. The range is Great, Good, Meh, Bad, and Awful. Each is given a point, from 2 for Great, 1.5 for Good, all the way down to 0 for Awful.

The second prong is whether or not I like the film. The range here is Loved It, Liked It, Meh, Disliked It, and Hated It. Again, each is given a point from 2 to 0.

These points are then added together for the final score, which is displayed at the start of every review as a series of Jackalopes:

This would be 2.5 total points.

Because nothing knows more about a flick than a jackalope.

There is one addition rating, that of the RECOMMENDED/NOT RECOMMENDED. My tastes aren’t always the world’s tastes, and if I feel you should watch or not watch a film despite what I think, I’ll have a blue RECOMMENDED or red NOT RECOMMENDED beside the score.

That’s the basics. Every now and then I’ll have a non-review essay up covering either a personage I feel noteworthy or a subgenre I feel the need to blather on about. Outside of that, I hope you enjoy what is to come and thank you for reading all of this.

Really. It means a lot. Especially after how long it took to write it.