Spoiler-Free Synopsis

Two sisters head off to a weekend in the countryside provided for them by a covert group of witches.

Spoiler-free Review

A dull movie that substitutes attractive nude women for any type of suspense or characterization. Had the movie bothered to do more than a half-hearted effort towards Horror, it might have been a mediocre time killer. It didn’t. At all. (0.5 points)

The more I think about this movie, the more I want it set on fire, covered with bees, and forced to listen to a single out of tune note repeatedly for the rest of time. Copies of this should be kept out of children’s hands for fear of stunting their growth. Any company that releases this flick on DVD or any other format should be duly embarrassed that they have done so.

If I haven’t been clear, I really don’t like this movie. If this was a TV murder mystery series, I’d either be the guy framed for its murder or the actually murderer who laughs maniacally over what he had done as the police drag him away (0 points).

And to think I could have been watching a Uwe Boll movie instead. What terrible choices we make.

Overall Score: 0.5 total points out of a possible 4

Opening Thoughts

Gather around the fire here, children. Let Grandpa tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, there were these fine establishments called Video Rental Stores. You had your local mom and pops, your drugstores and such making a buck on the side, and the Great Chains like Hollywood Video and Blockbusters. You’d go to them, look through their selection, and rented a movie for a few days. Sometimes you got good stuff; sometimes your mom would pick up something with a Hot sticker on it that would leave you mentally scarred for the rest of your life. Fun was had by all.

When I turned eighteen (or thereabout, I misremember) I had a window of opportunity open for me that I had never had before. I could rent the movies I wanted to watch, and not necessarily things that other members of my family wanted to watch. Or could stand to watch. Or both.

As I was (and as you might surmise still am) a Horror fan, this meant a lot of Horror movie renting. Stuff like Evil Dead and the like were now available for my eager viewing. The Golden Years had arrived.

Only I was still faced with one problem: I was (and to a degree still am) a very shy person. Worse, certain things tended to… embarrass me more than others. Having complete strangers think I sat around watching pornography ranked high on this list. For some reason.

For the most part, this didn’t matter. I stayed safely away from the obvious suspects, for instance. However, there was one aspect that, well, limited me. That was the title.

Seriously, you can’t even let your mother see you with you hands on that one. The lectures never end, let me tell you.

See, when you go up to the counter carrying a tape labeled, say, Bloodbath at the House of Death, you are clearly watching a Horror flick. Same with Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

The Slumber Party Massacre maybe, so long as the cover box wasn’t shown. And so on and so for.

But with a title like, say, VIRGIN WITCH, you ran the risk of The Look. You know. The I-Know-You’re-Up-To-Something-Skeevy look. That Look. And no matter how much you insist it’s really a Horror flick, that clerk was going to say, “Sure it’s a Horror flick, Mr. Waters. Or rather a WHORE flick. Get it? Get it? Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more say no more!”

I was never sure I could survive that kind of embarrassment.

Which is why I prefer things like Netflix. This way, I can watch stuff like Virgin Witch, and no one will ever know!

Unless I have a review blog. And decide to review the film.

Er.

Uh.

Yeah.

Virgin Witch… Virgin Witch is a Horror film. Really. It’s not a porno.

Though it dearly wishes to become one when it grows up.

Spoiler-Free Synopsis

The undead rise from a European lake to punish a nearby town for a massacre held decades earlier.

Spoiler-free Review

This is not the worst Zombie movie I’ve ever seen. Assuming you can call it a Zombie movie, which is very much in doubt. That said, it is a terrible, terrible movie that doesn’t have much more than it’s sheer awfulness going for it (0 points). It might make a decent night’s riffing for some, but I found it too dull myself (0.5 points). I don’t recommend you watching it, but you know you best.

It’ll help if you watch the nudity packed version. You’ll know which one your watching soon enough to bail, if need be…

Overall Score: 0.5 (-) total point out of a possible 4

Opening Thoughts

Here we are again, on the verge of another adventure. For me, that is.

See, today’s offing is a new one for me. I’ve never seen Zombie Lake before. And it’s the first time I’ve watched a film by Jean Rollins, who I read is France’s first Gore Horror movie director. My Horror knowledge is expanding! How delightful.

And according to the IMDb, the one and only Jess Franco helped with the screenplay. Whom was last seen in these parts when I reviewed La tumba de los muertos vivientes/Oasis of the Zombies.

Surely Zombie Lake couldn’t be worse than that one, right?

Right?

Right?

Please?

You who read this now know the truth of how I found this, for the Spoiler-Free Review… er… spoils it. What follows, therefore, are my thoughts as I watch the film. Now, let’s turn the page, shall we?

A forbidden Valentine’s Day party leads to terror as a killer dressed as a miner starts murdering the participants.

Spoiler-free Review

One of the better Slasher flicks out there, despite harsh editing, disagreeable protagonists, and a climax that, to be honest, is rather hard to swallow.  Gore hounds will no doubt walk away disappoint, as will those looking for lots of skin.  Still, the bar is rather low for the sub-genre, so I’m giving it a (very) low good (1.5 points) over all.  I like this movie a great deal (1.5 points) and think you could do a lot worse than it.

Overall Score: 3 total points out of a possible 4

Opening Thoughts

1981 was the year the Slasher film came into its own, buoyed by the (to me) inexplicable success of Friday the 13^th.  Depending how you count things (and there is a handy little essay of mine that will show you how I count things, among other relative things) there were around twenty made, counting two sequels to already established Horror series.  The relative cheapness of the things no doubt was the major appear for producers and movie studios.  All you needed was some decent make up work, a few desperate young people, and a competent director, and of you went to the races.

My Bloody Valentine was one such worthy.  It had the distinction of an unusual setting, with a large chunk of the action set in an actual mine.  Being set on the holiday of love also helps it stand out a little.

Now to be frank, I’ve seen this film before, years ago.  I did my usual summarize-as-I-watch trick in the full knowledge that I was going to enjoy myself.  How much was in question, though, for two reasons. The first was that it had been several years, and the last time I hadn’t finished for one reason or another.  The second was that in the meantime I’ve seen what I consider one of the best examples of the sub-genre, a little film called The Prowler.  Worse, The Prowler has a very, very similar set up, with a forbidden dance and a killer set on making people pay for it.  Which meant comparisons would inevitably made.

That it withstood said comparisons probably says all that needs said.  However I did write six pages worth of review.  May as well go to the next page and read more about it, right?

Spoiler-Free Synopsis

Sindbad the Sailor has set his cap for the fair Olive Oil, and only the mighty Popeye the Sailor can save her.

Spoiler-free Review

It’s a Popeye Cartoon. You know Popeye? Then you probably know whether you’re going to like it or not. Hell, you’ve probably already seen it in one form or another.

If, however, you have never ever seen a Popeye cartoon, this is the one you should see. If it ain’t perfect entertainment, it’s as close as the series comes, making its 16 minutes run time go by all too quick. (2 points) Sindbad’s theme song alone is worth the price of admission. I usually watch it just for that… then keep right on watching for the rest of the cartoon.   I really like it a great deal.  (1.5 points).

This? This is RECOMMENDED.

Overall Score: 3.5 (+) total point out of a possible 4

From here Popeye the Sailor Meets Sindbad the Sailor will be referred to as Popeye m. Sindbad.

Opening Thoughts

I noticed the other day that we haven’t had an update around these parts since last August. That noise can’t stand. However, I’m a little rusty with the review business, so I’m easing on in. I’m doing a short film. More to the point, I’m doing one that I like a lot. Thus today’s subject

With that said, we begin on the next page with what has to be the shortest Review Synopsis on this site.

Spoiler-Free Synopsis

A counselor training center gets training of the horrific kind as Jason Voorhees comes a-calling.

Spoiler-free Review

The second trip to Crystal Lake doesn’t work as well as the first. While the characters are a little less irritating here, they are still little more than cardboard cut outs. Added to this, there’s no real terror or horror involved. Just a series of Jump Scares that on reflection are almost insultingly dumb. When you add an inconclusive end to the mix, that’s makes for a bad movie (0.5 points).

Thing is, as much as this movie irritated me (and it did irritate me a great deal), I can’t say I disliked it. In fact, I left it feeling rather fond of it. Like it was an old friend. An old, really stupid, obnoxious, why the hell do I like this person kind of friend. (1.5 points).

Dunno. Maybe I watched it too soon after watching The Undertaker and His Pals. Maybe I spent too much time watching this one and it’s sort of the Bad Movie equivalent of Stockholm’s Syndrome. Saner people’s mileage might vary.

Overall Score: 2 total point out of a possible 4

The second film happens to be the first Friday the 13^th. It covers the end of that film and even reveals the not-so-secret killer’s identity. So if you haven’t seen that one and want to enter it spoiler free, don’t read this review.

Opening Thoughts

And here we go again, back to Crystal Lake.

With this film we finally meet that loveable lug Jason Voorhees. He isn’t quite right yet — no hockey mask — but that won’t slow him down much I’m sure. At least, not any more than death did.

Before we begin, let me reiterate a few germane points. To start with I am not a fan of Slasher flicks, nor am I a fan of this particular series. Should the score above be higher than 2 points (I am writing this before viewing) it should suggest something. Whether it’s about the quality of the film or how my tastes have declined in my old age I will leave to the reader to decide.

Finally a couple of words: Final Girl. If you have no idea in the world what I meant by that, might I suggest boning up on the topic with my little essay on Slasher flicks. It might help.

Then again, as incoherent as my writing sometimes gets, it might not.

That all said, there’s a new camp opening, with new councilors come to test the knives of the killer and the patience of the viewer…