For the curious, here is how the reviewer sets up a standard review. Note that not all reviews on this site follow these guidelines. However, these days this is what passes for standard. The reviewer came up with it after deep contemplation. Two, maybe three minutes tops. Then his nose started bleeding from all that thinking and he had to stop.
Point is, this is how things roll here.
Spoiler-Free Synopsis
The reviewer give a single sentence about the movie which (hopefully) gives you the gist of the story without spoiling any important details.
Spoiler-free Review
Here the reviewer give you his thoughts on the film. Usually (but not always), the meat of this comes from the Final Thoughts Section, below. Nothing of the story is discuss save certain elements that either interested him or irritated him. Again, giving no spoilers remains the goal.
The reviewer also gives the movie whatever points it gets, based on the system as shown here. For instance, the sample movie this particular essay is about is dreadful (0 points). The reviewer loved it more than life itself (2 points). Below are the points totaled up.
The reviewer tries to keep this to two paragraphs, but look, he likes to talk. A lot.
After this comes a jump, followed by a SPOILER BOX, something that should clue you in to what’s coming next. This is to give those who wish to avoid said spoilers one last chance to escape. Below is the most generic one.
Overall Score: 2 total points out of a possible 4
Opening Thoughts
Right after the SPOILER BOX comes this, paragraphs that introduce the upcoming film. Sometimes it will deal with the film’s historic place, sometimes it will be personal reminiscence, and sometimes it will be just mindless babble. Well, most of the time it’s mindless babble. Let’s not kid ourselves about whom we’re talking about here. Try not to be too shocked when it’s not.
In the end, the main course of the review begins on the next page. Just one last effort to keep those who wish to avoid being spoiled from being spoiled.
Review Synopsis
On the next few pages the reviewer review the movie as he watches it, summarizing the action more or less as he goes. Not every event enters this section, as he don’t always think every event matters to the discussion. That and, despite the warning, he doesn’t want to kill all chances of enjoyment.
Or end all suffering.
Depending on the movie, natch.
With few exceptions the reviewer try to be as witty as he can be. This he regrets deeply in that withered little heart of his. These attempts at wit also includes the screen captures. Try not to let it get you down.
If this was an actual review, the above would be an image from the reviewed movie. And this caption would be funny. Honest.
As the review goes the reviewer might comment on acting, directing, special effects, and the like when it occurs to him. He might not bring it up again later, so don’t miss out by just skipping to the Review Proper.
Besides, if you wanted short and sweet you wouldn’t have come this far.
On the subject of the screen captures, the reviewer tries to run things as PG/PG 13 as he can. No nudity and, as a rule, no gore. We’re all very disappointed with him about this, but leave us not dwell to long on this.
If a link to a film comes up, the reviewer has either linked the IMDb or his own review (assuming he have one). Other places might not be as kind spoiler-wise.
Every now and then you might see a hovering number.Like this one here <1.> A click on it will take you to an End Note (or, in a few cases, a footnote). Don’t worry about losing your place; there will be a link back the way you came. Or if there isn’t, there will be shortly.
On the next page, we’ll continue our look at the review format.
